


A Little Help From My Friends

by TeamKalinda



Category: Good Wife (TV)
Genre: Angst, Friendship, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-02-21
Updated: 2012-02-21
Packaged: 2017-10-31 13:31:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,241
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/344563
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TeamKalinda/pseuds/TeamKalinda
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Spoilers for 3x15 - ‘Live From Damascus’ </p>
<p>The author has a lot of <em>feelings</em> about Kalinda. She has a need for context and detail as well as an endless supply of head!canon. When she isn’t ignoring actual canon completely, she has a tendency to try to tweak it into something that doesn’t make her want to throw projectiles at her television. This is one such attempt. Also, the author makes no apologies about the fact that this fic is yet another example of how Kalinda and Alicia just need to be drinking buddies again already. She will continue to offer such examples until it happens.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Little Help From My Friends

Kalinda was accustomed to loss. She knew only too well that everything in life, good or bad, had its season. Sooner or later, for better or worse it would be gone. It was best not to get attached. Attachments only created weaknesses and weaknesses inevitably led to pain. She’d had enough pain. 

It was unclear exactly when it had happened, but she’d reached her threshold. There had been a point where she’d made a choice not to allow herself to hurt anymore. She built a wall between the irrational emotions she had to attempt to display in order to successfully navigate the world and what she actually allowed herself to feel. It was a cold, lonely existence, but it was better than the alternative. At least it seemed that way most of the time. 

Still, survival mode wasn’t meant to be a lifestyle and some people just got to her. As much as she hated to admit it, even to herself, there were people she cared about; people that got into her head, wore her down, kept her human, no matter how much she resisted. There were even a few people from before – before she’d been so broken that she’d had to start over – that had meant enough to keep in touch with. Samir had been one of those. 

She had known Samir for years, long before she’d ended up in Chicago. Their relationship had always been professional. The vast majority of their contact was of convenience, when one of them had access to something the other needed, but Kalinda had always liked him. She saw a lot of herself in him and she couldn’t say that about many people.

He understood her well enough to know better than to press her on personal matters. But at the same time, when things had gotten bad, he had been the only one that had recognized that she was in trouble by the sound of her voice alone. He was the only one that had offered to help her in anyway he could. Even if there had been something he could have done for her, she knew she would have been too stubborn to take him up on it, but she’d never forgotten how much it had meant to know that someone cared. He hadn’t saved her exactly, but his concern had been a catalyst to her pulling herself together again.

She only realized she hadn’t been breathing when she started to feel lightheaded. She wasn’t even sure what it was she had just seen on her computer screen. The woman had said Samir wasn’t there, she’d said it several times. Then she’d said it was too dangerous, not to call back. And then there had been the news report of the latest deaths. Kalinda knew how to piece it together.

The unexpected wave of grief that washed over her was so strong that for a moment she actually thought she might be sick. She turned her chair away from her desk, forcing herself to look out the window. The rugged Chicago cityscape seemed harsh and unforgiving. Building after building filled with hundreds of thousands of people all wrapped up in their own circumstances. Life went on. 

Kalinda hugged herself tightly. She could feel her own heartbeat, the unnaturally labored rhythm of her breathing. At times like this she just couldn’t understand why things worked out the way they did. She could have been Samir – it might even have been better if it had been her. When everything could be over so quickly, she couldn’t help but wonder if there was truly any point to any of it. What were they really fighting for anyway? Why keep going if the only thing that was ever gained was the opportunity to hurt again? 

 

****

 

Kalinda was beyond exhausted, but she knew she wouldn’t be able to sleep. The only thing that was worse than her subconscious’ best attempt at a nightmare was when her dreams actually reflected reality. She leaned against the wall of the elevator on her way to the parking garage. Her body felt heavy; it was too much of an effort to hold it up. Her muscles were aching, her head pounding. It often happened that way; when she tried too hard to block out emotional pain it became physical. 

She’d told Diane she’d lost her Syrian contact. Those had been her exact words. And Diane, as otherwise distracted as she’d been, had also been, as always, observant enough to not ask a lot of questions. In truth, if she’d had anything else to give, Kalinda was sure she would have been as upset as everyone else about Will’s suspension, but she just didn’t have the strength at the moment. She had assured Diane that she’d find another contact for the firm, another way to get the information they needed. When everything else went to hell, the only thing she had left was her work. It was the most important thing she had that those depending on her continued to believe she had something of value to offer and wouldn’t let them down. 

“You’ll work something out, Kalinda,” Diane had said. “You always do. Go home and get some rest. Tomorrow is another day.” 

_Tomorrow is another day._ The very idea had triggered such a rush of dread and anxiety that she had practically run from Diane’s office to prevent a display of instability the likes of which many at the firm had been waiting to see for some time. It was a constant game, the circling sharks just waiting for her to falter. 

She was lost so deeply in her thoughts as she stepped off the elevator that it wasn’t until Alicia touched her arm that she even noticed her presence. 

“Are you alright?” Alicia asked, her delicate features displaying an expression of uncertain concern.

Kalinda did her best to muster a smile. 

“I’m fine. I’m just tired. You headed home?” Alicia nodded. 

“Well, goodnight, then. I’ll see you tomorrow.” 

Alicia smiled but didn’t seem convinced. It was clear that she wasn’t ready for the exchange to end just yet. 

“You know, you can call me, Kalinda. If you want. If you’re ever not alright and you need someone to talk to – or someone to talk to you, whichever. You can call me…anytime. I _do_ care about you. It’s important to me that you’re okay.” 

Suddenly Kalinda felt a rush of something else. Relief? She could breathe easier and her heavy heart seemed just a bit more bearable. She knew if she thought about Alicia’s words, really thought about them, she’d probably breakdown right in front of her. After the day’s events, this was just too much to process. So, she tucked the analysis away for later, but when she smiled at Alicia again it was genuine. 

“Thank you, Alicia.” 

“Do you want to get a drink?” Alicia asked, tilting her head to the side in that endearing manner that Kalinda hadn’t seen in a long time. 

“I’d like that,” she heard herself say before she’d even thought about it. 

“Great,” Alicia said, falling into step beside her as they made their way towards their cars. “Luckily for you, I think it’s my turn to buy.” 

Kalinda chuckled softly and it felt good. She took a deep breath. The cool night air was refreshing. Tomorrow was another day, but at least for tonight, she really was going to be alright.


End file.
